Swimsuit season is on the outs, but my mind and body are ready for a reboot and revamp. I used to be a certified nutritionist and personal trainer. I know what, when and how to eat. I know how to make someone else sweat and get his or her body transformed, but somewhere in the course of marriage, motherhood, the store/my job, and the coined term “busy”, I got too busy to concentrate on the main vessel that will keep me lasting longer here on this side of heaven.
I’ve tried quite a few fad diets. The get skinny quick thing always works for me, but it hasn’t stuck in quite some time. And I know it’s not the fully natural way that my body deserves. As I’ve adjusted into womanhood and God’s definition of beautifulverses my own early 20 perceptions, I have a huge desire to have my body mirror image what my heart and mind feel. And yes, I know I’m skinny and look fit. But all women who workout know the difference between being small and being fit – I want to feel strong again.
Let me rewind a bit. In the midst of the chaos I had cultivated as a “normal” life, seemingly living the ideal lifestyle, [my own boss, two beautiful children, a studly and accomplished husband and the picket fence dream thing], I lost sight of me. I was holding onto other people’s perceptions of me. I was living in a state of fear, to be totally honest. It was like treading water for a very long time, in the midst of a hurricane [which I’ve actually done, so I truly know what it feels like]. You’re lost. You don’t know the direction of land vs. sea. You’re not sure what’s below you or how much longer you can last. As a 17-year-old lifeguard it was an easy situation to get out of – the whistle blew loud enough to know where land was and our personal training time was up for the day. Dry off and the fear was gone. As a 29- year-old woman the “getting out of the storm” phase took a lot more effort. But here I am, finally dried off and the fear is finally gone.
The effort included help. It included insight. It included deep communication (which I had grown really good at avoiding). It included a time-out to just “float” and feel my true feelings. It was almost like a detox, minus some of the side effects. And I say some, because sleepless nights, nightmares, sweats and nerves did occur. Coming out of a place of confusion and stress into a place of unknown calm was scary. I had panic attacks. I questioned if it was worth it all together. But I can tell you today, and I hope it gives someone, anyone a bit of hope out there, the effort is worth it!
As I’ve continued to clear out my chaos, which includes de-cluttering my home after years of shopping therapy to mask emotion; I am feeling weightless. My heart and mind feel free from the chatter and the banter of the world and my own demons. And today, my newest desire, as my closets are now clean (both literally and figuratively) I want my outside and inside body, both on nutrition and physicality to display the freedom and wellness that I feel on an emotional heart level.
I was in a Bible study for 1 class last winter. I didn’t go back after the first class, because it was all about nutrition and fitness and I felt more geared toward older, post-menopausal women…but ironically enough, I think God had me there with purpose, I just wasn’t ready to dedicate myself to it fully. I’ve watched my husband take his mental strengths to a new fitness level and I’m so glad to have him as my biggest cheerleader and coach.
So here I am God. Ready to again strip myself down to the basics of fitness and nutrition. Re-teach me from this new heart level. Re-energize me into a new version of myself. And as the good saying goes, let 30’s be the new 20’s!